Recently in Jokes Category

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Gamera and I were pros at this one.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in technical papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Hey! That's not nice! ;-)
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Been there, done that.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. I use a green laser. It works!
30. Sing along at the opera. I WILL NOT GET STUCK AT AN OPERA TO TRY THIS ONE!
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. And last but not least, center all of the text on a really long list of ways to tick people off so that it's difficult to read. ;-)

"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

father says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million. Then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million. Then come back and tell me what you learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Thanks Jim!

A Priest checks into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
She says "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick bastard."

Watch the cement bag trick...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was
astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and
everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the
envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I
wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she
is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because
of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and
the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not
only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a
trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray
that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get
better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and
I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that
we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there
are worse things in life than the report card that's in
my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's
safe to come home.

Thanks for the email PokeyPuppy. BTW, you're still a homo! ;-)

Product Features:
Attach this evil prank device to your victim's computer and it makes random mouse movements and types out odd garbage text and phrases
Jumper setting allows you to choose between either keyboard garbage typing, annoying mouse movements or both
Adjustment pot sets the duration between annoying "events"
Works on any OS
Victim's computer requires USB port

Product Page: ThinkGeek

1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!"
2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?"
3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"
4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!"
5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over."
8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."
9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler."
10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses."
12.) "I'll be out painting the house."
13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too."
14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!"
15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."
16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed."
17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you."
18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs."
19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever."
20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"
21.) "Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!"
22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8."
23.) "You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings."
24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!"
25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!"

Thanks Mazdaparts!

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and Sliced The man's wiener off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the wiener smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said....
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"